Sunday, 7 February 2010

If Jack Bauer was my pastor

I must admit that Jack Bauer is my secret hero, so I was intrigued by this concept I found here 

The other day I was thinking, what if Jack Bauer became a Christian, and then suddenly felt a call to ministry?

What would his church be like? His counselling sessions? Here’s what I think it would be like…

Counselling sessions would be fast. Really fast. Because he only has two minutes, and you better tell him what’s going on or he’s going to mash your knee with his oversized Bible.

He would scream the word “now” a lot. As in, “Tell me why you were impatient with your wife. NOW!”

Every counselling session would end with a confession, because Pastor Jack can pull a confession out of anybody. Even if you didn’t do it.

In every elders meeting Jack would inform the elders that “he did what he had to”.

He would answer every theological question the same way: “It’s complicated…”

He would probably fake his death several times as sermon illustrations.
Scripture references in sermons would be called “backup”.

The church would meet in an abandoned warehouse. The ushers would also be snipers and would establish a perimeter around the building.

At least three times a week Jack would be misunderstood by his congregation and have to go “dark” until he could clear his name.

He'd go undercover in rival churches to find out how deep the heresy goes.

Before any 'special offering' etc the congregation would be guilt tripped into contributing with the simple statement '...or thousands of innocent people will DIE.'

every 15 minutes through the message, you'd hear some beeps and wonder where 5 minutes of your life went.

No one would have hymn books. Everyone would have PDAs. And Chloe would pipe the song words through to your screen.

ALL cars in the car park would have to skid into the car parking spaces.

Roughly half of every worship service would be dedicated to finding the "mole"...

He would say "darn it!" when he got upset. And to reinforce a point in a message he would yell "you're just going to have to trust me!"

Before reading the bible passage, he'd say 'The following message takes place between Genesis 1:1 and Genesis 2:1 on the day of the baby dedications'

His p.a. Chloe O'Brian might hack the congregations computers to see who visits or downloads from other church websites.

Chloe's probably the one on the other end of the thing in his ear, just incase he needs satalite imagery of Israel brought up on the powerpoint.

When evangelizing someone, he might say, "Listen to me, you haven't got a choice!"

Every alter call would end with, "You're running out of time."

In the interest of time, there wouldn't be an offering on sunday morning... Jack would simply tell you how much you're going to give and Chloe would have already deducted it from your bank account.

Campus outreaches would start with Jack drawing his pistol and loudly saying "I need everyone to stay calm!" The first student that tried to dodge a conversation would be punched unconscious... to set an example.

If God led pastor Jack's church to pursue a new church building, they would break ground 15 minutes later, with all necessary permits in place, and the project fully paid for... by the White House.

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